What I Really Meant to Say . . .

“I apologize for the long letter.

I didn’t have time to write a short one.”

                                                               Winston Churchill

The soft lighting and goodwill of the holidays are behind us.  It’s time to get back to work. 

I’ve recently had the opportunity to clean out a couple of file drawers (looking for some things I misplaced during 2010, the Year of the Never-ending Move).  In the process, I unearthed a case of business files I somehow thought I needed to hang onto.  As I dutifully read through them, making sure I was not going to throw away something important (no fear there), I was dumbstruck by some of the language.  My files date back through several jobs, and I’m currently in yet another one.  These are different companies, different management structures, different businesses.  But they all use the same dictionary – the one with words that don’t say anything.

By all indications, 2011 looks to be a bit more spry than 2010, so I’d like to kick it off by cleaning out the language cupboard the same way I cleaned out those file drawers.  Just like an old tin of bread crumbs and that jar of dried oregano you’ve had for five years, words get stale.  In fact, during my fairly lengthy career, I’ve found that corporate words have a shorter shelf-life than most. 

So, in the interest clear thinking and even clearer speaking, I offer you words to eliminate from America’s corporate vocabulary for 2011:

§  Action plan – That’s the stuff you have to get done.

§  Actionables – That’s also the stuff you have to get done.

§  Analytics – What we talk about when we mean, “Are we making any money?”

§  Bandwidth – The people and money we need to get this stuff done.

§  Beta – What we say when we haven’t figured this stuff out yet.

§  Buy in – That’s what we look for when we want to make sure the right people agree with us.

§  Circle back – That’s for when we want to make double sure the right people agree with us.

§  Consolidate – That’s how we’re going to do this stuff with fewer people on the payroll.

§  Core competencies – That’s what business we’re in – we had to write it down because we keep forgetting.

§  Daylight – A verb, meaning, “Get some publicity for this stuff.”  I recently talked with a woman who kept saying she wanted me to daylight something for her.  The conversation was almost over before I figured out she wanted a simple publicity plan.

§  Deliverable – The stuff you have to get done. (see action plan and actionables)

§  Dialogue – (as a verb)  Please, can’t we just TALK?  (The next time somebody asks me to “dialogue about this” I believe I am going to tell them to “shut up.”)

§  End of the day – As in, at the end of the day.  Or, “When we’ve done all this stuff, will we make any money?”

§  Enterprise-wide* – The whole company.

§  Excess inventory* – Too much of anything – widgets, empty hotel rooms, people. 

* When these two phrases wind up together, as in “We have excess inventory enterprise-wide,” it’s time to polish your resume.  They’re compiling the layoff list – and it’s going to be long.

§  Fact-based – To ask for a “fact-based” report is another way to say, “I don’t believe a word you’re saying.”  (I have not yet figured out how “fact-based” decision making is different from plain old “good” decision making.)

§  Granular – That’s when we have way too much information about this stuff.  Granular is what you get when you drill down.

§  Hallway knowledge – This is that stuff people who got laid off knew – and nobody who’s left can figure out.

§  Incentivize – This is what the folks at the top talk about when there will be no raises this year.  They will, however, offer ways to incentivize valuable employees like us.  Really, they will. 

§  Key learnings – This is what we figured out when a bunch of stuff blew up in our faces.

§  Knowledge base –This is where we store the key learnings, in the fervent hope we won’t have to deal with them again.

§  KPIs – Key Performance Indicators.  In other words, “Are we making any money?”

§  Leverage synergies – In other words, “We’re not making any money, so we’re going to cut costs.”

§  Low hanging fruit – When you hear some dude talk about picking the low hanging fruit, he's really saying, “We’re making money without breaking a sweat.”

§  Marketing cadence – All the mail, email, web promotions, and sales deals the company keeps cranking out, hoping somebody is going to buy some of this stuff. 

§  Metrics – Another thing we talk about when we mean, “Are we making any money?”

§  Mission-critical – Do it or get fired.

§  Monetize – “Oh, for heaven’s sake, find a way to make some money, but don’t be too obvious about it.”  (I am frequently asked if I’d like to “monetize” this blog.  If an ad for adult diapers pops up while you’re reading this, I’ve gone to the dark side.)

§  Net out – One more time, “Find out if we’re making any money!”

§  Next steps – The stuff you need to get done.  (See action plan, actionables, and deliverables.)

§  Offline – This is how we talk about stuff that’s not important enough to talk about otherwise.

§  Overlap – Here’s where we find the Department of Redundancy Department – with layoffs trotting closely behind.

§  Paradigm – This is the thing that keeps shifting while we try to figure out what we’re talking about.

§  Plug-and-play – The only thing that’s truly plug-and-play is a crock pot.  Who are we kidding?

§  Realign assets – This is what you do when you have overlap with excess inventory, enterprise-wide – layoffs are coming.

§  ROI – Return on Investment.  When the answer to “Are we making any money?” is “Yes” and we want to know “How much?”

§  Scalable – This means somebody else might also be able to use it somewhere else in the company, but we’re not sure who or how.

§  Scope creep – Meaning Murphy’s Law is coming into play and your budget is toast.

§  Seamless – A change that goes so smoothly that nobody even notices it.  aka Never happens.

§  Siloing – This is what happens when managers take authoritarian control over their departments and refuse to share information, people, or money with any other part of the company.

§  Solutions – What consultants try to sell you when you really only want to buy copy paper.

§  Spit test – A way to figure out if something is authentic – the way you lick your finger and rub it over a signature to see if the ink smears.  Like you do.

§  Sustainable – The folks up in PR would like us to think this means something good for the planet.  In reality, it’s more likely to mean “something that sounds like it should be good for the planet.”  Truthfully, nobody knows what’s “sustainable” – none of us have lived that long.

§  Talking points – What you meant to say and realize, after you sit down, that you didn’t.

§  Touch points – What you meant for the meeting to be about and realize, after it’s over, that it wasn’t.

§  Transparency – When we ask, “Are we telling the truth?” and wonder “Do we really want to?”

§  Tree people – These are the people who are so busy counting the lines in the bark that they fail to see the grandeur of the forest around them.  To tree people everywhere, look UP!

§  Uninterrupted service – What companies think they’re providing while they make huge changes to their systems.  Hint:  they’re not.

§  Unsiloing – What happens when somebody with the authority to do so tells all the heads of all the departments that they have to, like, talk to each other.  Hint:  they won’t.

§  Vaporware – What the consultant’s solution will consist of.  And you’ll still be out of copy paper.

§  Vet – That’s the word we use when we ask somebody to find out, “Is it possible for us to make any money with this stuff?”

§  View from 10,000 feet – “I’m tired of doing the grunt work so I’m going to go read the mission statement.”

§  Wallet share – How much money you have left after you’ve done business with our company.  Hint:  not much.

§  Webinar – Oh, good grief.  It’s an online seminar – did we really need to make up that word?

§  Wire frame – This makes more sense if I’m talking about my great-grandmother’s corset than when I’m discussing where things should show up on a web site.

With your agreement, let’s get rid of this vocabulary list (and whatever you’d like to add) once and for all.  However, there are a few phrases that continue to help me get through the day.  Here are a couple I’d like to keep . . .          

ü  Ready – Fire – Aim

I believe this is self-explanatory.  One of the smartest business people I’ve ever known introduced the concept to me.  In other words, get it done.

ü  FUD factor

When you’re trying to get your customer’s attention, never underestimate the power of Fear-Uncertainty-and Doubt.

ü  It’s hoof beats

Shorthand for, “When you hear hoof beats, look for horses, not zebras.”  Or, don’t ignore what’s under your nose.

ü  SWAG

I believe more American business decisions hinge on this than we’d be comfortable knowing – the Scientific Wild Ass Guess.

ü  Don’t open your kimono

It’s from that same smart business guy (as is the next one) and it’s the essence of the art of the deal.  Don’t reveal your terms too early in the negotiation.  Keep your kimono closed while they still care what you’ve got under there.

ü  Get the camel’s nose inside the tent

Another essential step in the art of the deal.  Get the other guy nodding in agreement with you.  Wait for him to ask, “What do YOU think we should do?”  The camel’s nose is now inside the tent.

ü  BLIVIT

I’ve known this one for so long I’m not even sure where I first encountered it – I think it was in the newspaper composition room.  A BLIVIT is “10 pounds of [explitive] in a 5 pound bag” – or 15 inches of type in a 10-inch column.

ü  PBP

Paralyzed by Perfection.  Ask yourself, is the 43^rd rewrite honestly all that much better than the 42^nd?  Closely related to Ready-Fire-Aim – get the thing done and out the door.

ü  MEGO

Mine Eyes Glaze Over – something that often happens when I’m confronted with rhetoric designed, as my favorite Chicago editor once wrote, “to amaze the gazing rustics ranged around.”

ü  Hot Rat on a Stick

To appreciate this one, you have to be a Monty Python fan (guilty).  Remember that movie when everyone was dying of the Black Plague?  They were rounding up bodies in a wagon and the guy on top is yelling, “Not dead yet, feelin’ bettah, actually.”  And in the background is a street vendor walking around hawking “Hot rat on a stick!  Get your hot rat on a stick!”  One of the best, most talented, efficient, and creative units I’ve ever had the pleasure to work with used that moniker for “those” projects – the ones that won’t go right and won’t go away.  Still works.

ü  A goat rodeo

For me, this is the perfect way to describe the chaos that surrounds some endeavors – and it’s also why this post is a little late getting to you.  I spent several late evenings rounding up goat rodeos last week.  For now, they’re back in the pen. 

What works for you?